Well...here I am. I suppose if I'm going to start writing a journal, I should back up a little so taht anyone who is reading this will have some sort of context. Now...where to begin? Perhaps with the woman who would grow to become the bane of my existance. Sarah.

I met Sarah at the tail-end of my first marrage. At first I thought she was a stubbern bitch...I was right (always remember kids, trust your gut, it will save you alot of heartache). The first day I met her she and I got into, ironicly, an arguement about abortion. We will discuss that irony later. After a time though, when her love triangle with her husband Nik, and my friend Josh wasn't panning out she would lean on me. and eventually that love triangle fell apart. My marrage was in its death throws, and she and I clung to one another. After a time, when all divorce pappers were signed she and I became quite serious. Shortly after my divorce Gene, who was living with my first wife Jeni and I, decided he was going to move back down to Texas. Shortly thereafter I decided to move up to Nebraska, where my Mom, stepdad, and siblings live. That lasted 2 months and I came back, moving in with Sarah. That lasted about 4 or 5 months, and somewhere in that time she got pregnant with my child, who we decided, boy or girl, we were going to name Corbin. She was in the process of finding a job in Yuma Arizona which is a 3 hour drive from San Diego where Nik was with her daughter Nissa. A few weeks before we were set to move she takes me with her to hear the baby's heartbeat. 2 weeks later she miscarries. Same week she throws me out of the house, and a week or two later she leaves for Arizona.

I live with my dad for about a month, and then I call up my ex-wife jeni, and ask her if I can move in with her and Josh (small world). She says yes and so I do. that goes on for about 5 and a half months, then I meet a girl...I say meet, but in reality I'd known her for a long time we went to school together, but this was different. I got to know her, and I fell in love. Her name is Erin. We hit it off instantly. We didn't have a whole lot in common, but we explored each other's intrests. It was fun. I was happier then I had been in a long time. See I hate being alone. I'm not good at it. So anyway things were going great, and who should call, telling me that she wants me to come out there and be with her? Oh yeah and she got knocked up by her ex, Nik. Yep you guessed it. Sarah.

She fed me a sob story about how Nik did not want anything to do with the baby, and my dumb-ass fell for it hook-line and sinker. So I broke things off with Erin...rather harshly. Here I had a great girl that was taking care of my physical and emotional needs, and I thought what? That the grass may yet be greening on the other side of the fence? Did I mention I was a moron? So I walked away from what was probably one of, if not THE best relationships in my life. and I left for Arizona.

About 2 weeks later Sarah confesses something to me (get ready for the irony). She didn't have a miscarrage. She had an abortion. Wow. My world shattered. I had JUST come to terms with the miscarrage, and then she tells me this. Wow. I would have left her then and there, but I was broke and had no way to get home. over the course of the next 2 years I would try to leave her about 5 or 6 times. I lost count after a while. Each time I tried I would realize that I had no way home. I repressed alot of my emotions during this time. Sarah took advantage of this and began turning me into her bitch. This was life. Even after we moved back to Kansas last July nothing changed. That is until last March.

Last March 2 things happened that changed me. Reminded me who I was. I am Michael Fucking Bowers. I met a girl at work who was/is interested in me, tho she only seemed to be interested while I was unavailable, now she doesn't even really talk to me...women. Anyway she told me somethings that really boosted my confidence. We also had a group come to the Distribution Center I work at. They did some cool things with drums and what-not, but they had a message to get out too about anything we want to do in life we can do. Most of the time the only thing between us and our goal is ourselves. We have to be willing to take a chance, and do whatever it takes to get there.

That night, after work, I came home, packed my bags and left Sarah.
I lived with my dad again for about a month. and now I am moved in with another old friend Richard. I spend most of my time by myself these days, and now Richard has a construction job that is going to take him all over the country. I am looking at a very lonely summer. Even at work, I spend 10 hours a day, 4 days a week in a semi trailer by myself. I wake up to an empty house, work in an empty trailer, and come home to a sleeping house...weeeeeee.

I am on top of my game. I see something I want. I go for it. I don't let fear get in my way these days. But it sure is lonely at the top.